


The addiction

by heme



Series: Chemistry student Deidara [3]
Category: Naruto
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Crack, Deidara on coffee again, Itachi's pocky, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-09
Updated: 2020-07-09
Packaged: 2021-03-04 21:07:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,101
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25142866
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/heme/pseuds/heme
Summary: Deidara's proclaimed one coffee a day has become a full - fledged addiction.Rated T to be safe.
Relationships: Deidara/Sasori (Naruto)
Series: Chemistry student Deidara [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1813744
Kudos: 11





	The addiction

**Author's Note:**

> rip Sasori.
> 
> Inspired by my coffee withdrawal symptoms. To my dearest readers: please, for the love of Jashin, don't get addicted to psychoactive substances.
> 
> And, try using "Gigi L'Amoroso" by Dalida as the background music when reading this story.
> 
> Enjoy.

There was a saying that goes as “an apple a day keeps the doctor away”.

Deidara adheres to a similar principle, only rephrased as “many coffees a day keeps the buggeration away”.

He was obviously enrolled as a chemistry student; organic was what he prefers, inorganic was tolerable, but he never expected physical chemistry to be close to pure physics since in his inexperienced mind, he was waiting for something around fifty – fifty. To make things even worse, quoting Itachi, “physics is just applied maths”. Maths was what made Deidara’s life arduous, even though Deidara can work with numbers perfectly fine.

Two terms into this mayhem, Deidara was entirely fed up. Fuck that Atkins, fuck that de Paula, and most of all, the fucking Uchiha can rot in the deepest pits of purgatory with his habit of ignoring people who does not live up to his expectations of mathematical proficiency. Oh, and Sasori – no – Danna’s fiendish chuckles when seeing him writhe in agony under the evil clutches of _applied maths_ , deliberately not extending a helping hand.

It was since getting dragged into the cursed world of statistical mechanics that cemented the blond’s consumption of coffee. What started as a cup per day soon became two, and two rapidly turned into four. The situation spiralled exponentially out of control. Although Deidara perfectly realised that he cannot afford grabbing coffee at the pantry multiple times per day, the sheer frequency of consuming said handmade – in – dormitory beverage took a dramatic toll on his bank account. Cheap coffee beans lacked the flavour and the kick to launch his motivation forward, purchasing costlier versions such as Arabica, qualified Kenya AA as the alternative merely accelerated the emptying of his monthly allowances.

Even before the end of the month, Deidara would run off complaining to Sasori that he was broke. Again. This phenomenon happened in multiple occasions, though the redhead was perfectly capable of financially supporting Deidara because of his rich grandmother Chiyo, as many would have guessed, repetitively making the identical request has dramatically wore down Sasori’s patience. That was when Sasori decided to take matters into his own hands.

Operation Tea became official.

Quite clear it was to Sasori that he cannot win his battle of minds on his own. There must be someone else as backup. He rang up someone he knew, and was also equally tired from the blond’s antics – Itachi Uchiha.

A single dial from the phone was enough to call the attention of the raven.

“Itachi?”

“Sasori.” Was Itachi’s monotone reply.

“You could lend me some assistance in a topic that involves the brat.” Sasori smirked, he knew Itachi would gladly join the endeavour.

“I should expect that this is the reason you decided to pay me a call. What happened with Iwa?”

“His coffee addiction is disturbing.”

“Why should something that involves Iwa’s supposed coffee addiction concern me? Coffee is nothing harmful.”

“Oh, I don’t know,” Sasori entered his manipulative mode, and drawled, “last time I checked, caffeine is a stimulant. Which makes the brat extra energic, and that equals annoying.”

Itachi was clearly weighing his choices after being dealt out this piece of critical information, and he delivered the characteristic Uchiha reply, “Hm.”

The redhead laid his cards of royal flush, “I’ll tell you the brat’s secret hair care tips.”

“Deal.”

Thus, the Akasuna – Uchiha alliance, or in viler phrasing, the Scorpion – Weasel collaboration was formally formed after the gift exchange. Deidara’s luscious locks was the careful product of a coconut oil and shea butter massage every evening, and he deliberately avoided dyeing and heating his hair because that would disrupt the protein structures of keratin, as Sasori revealed to Itachi per their deal. The weasel bid goodbye to his hair straightener (which obviously involves heavy heating) afterwards. To secure the bonds between the two unlikely teammates, Sasori was kind enough to provide an artistic drawing of their adjoint coat – of – arms: on the Dexter – Argent, a scorpion Gules; and the Sinister – impaling Azure, a weasel rampant Or.

Their first meeting was held at the dining hall between the two members to discuss their tactics of attack. Sasori, the lazy one, insisted that rushing right into the situation and fumble through by pure elan was a complete waste of time and energy, of which Itachi agreed upon. The duo was having a conversation about the plans to divert Deidara’s attention to more economical alternatives such as the rubbish black teas in nearby supermarkets, until Deidara himself arrived to have dinner.

The blond strode to where Sasori and Itachi sat, planning to join them. Sasori was running his fingers through his messy red hair, face impassive as always, “Sorry, brat. This is ‘Mathy Meeting’. You’re quite underneath the bottom limit to be here.”

“And I don’t see you being a maths major, Danna.” Deidara jabbed, his shit – eating grin slowly disappearing, “What was engineering all about? Taking the first two terms of the Taylor expansion, un.”

“Also the Fourier expansion in certain other applications.” Sasori corrected, “Just so you know, brat, I’m quite decent at both real and complex analysis.” The engineering student then shooed Deidara away, leaving the blond fuming with his café latte, sweetened with honey a couple benches over.

Itachi sipped on his favourite drink – earl grey, whilst taking a bite out of his trademark Pocky, “I must say, Sasori, that was very smooth.”

“Always my pleasure in tormenting the brat.” Sasori chuckled.

The Uchiha was running simulations in his mind, and he realised an imperfection in their plan, “I’m having a change of mind, Sasori. Swerving Iwa’s attention to tea will only work in contrary to our goal. High quality tea costs far more than coffee of the same quality per unit mass, besides, tea isn’t exempt from caffeine.”

Sasori hummed, “I suppose you have a point there, Itachi. So, what shall we do? Perform Pavlovian electric shock therapy on the brat?”

Itachi blinked at Sasori’s apparent sadism, then putted down his half – eaten stick of chocolate flavoured Pocky, “Educate him on the ‘dangers’ of coffee.”

And so, Sasori purposely invited Deidara over for lunch the next day. The sculptor was positively surprised at his artistic rival’s sudden change of attitude, and his obnoxious grin, along with that always – present cup of coffee fancied a long - denied homecoming. 

“So, Danna,” Deidara smirked, “no ‘Mathy Meeting’ today, un? Did the Uchiha dump you or something?”

“You have such a low opinion of me, brat. It’s me who dumped Itachi. So, it’s ‘Approximation Assembly’ today.” Unaware to Deidara, Itachi attached a microphone to the inside of Sasori’s obviously opaque shirt, and was eavesdropping on the conversation in his dormitory room. The Uchiha rolled his eyes at Sasori’s sassy retorts.

“Always the heartless manipulator, Danna, un?”

“At last, you’re correct for once, brat. I’m so overjoyed at this improvement.” Sasori mused, while snatching this convenient opportunity to slip in a remark about coffee, “But what is obviously incorrect is your addiction to coffee.” Itachi was listening in full concentration at the other end. Sasori would not screw this up, he thought, but that idiot Iwa was an unpredictable factor.

“Coffee’s nothing unhealthy, un. I think getting killed over problem sets without coffee as a defence is even more unhealthy, yeah.”

Sasori narrowed his eyes, he certainly did not expect Deidara to be such a difficult opponent, it was about time to bring out the heavy weapons, “Brat, roasting coffee beans triggers the Maillard reaction that produces carcinogenic molecules. You don’t want to die from cancer at a young age, right?”

Did the puppeteer _accidentally_ forgot Deidara’s suicidal tendencies or was making snide attempts to correct the sculptor’s mistaken view on art, was even unclear to the prodigious Uchiha, which sparked a snort from said blond, “What’s wrong with dying at a young age, un? You see, Danna, life is like art, fleeting!” The raven knew, at this very instant, things will spiral crazily out of control. This attempt was an utter failure because of that damned Iwa with his crazy fixation on ‘fleeting art’, and the equally damned artist Sasori with his eternal bullshit. He was resisting the urge to yell at both of them, pointing seething fingers and declaring “are you artists all stupid or something?”, but only he was an Uchiha, and Uchihas were supposed to be collected and detached. Itachi simply massaged his flaming temples, trying to prevent a nasty brain aneurysm from occurring.

Of course, Sasori could not resist a reply, “Wrong, brat. You are as shallow as always. True art is eternal beauty, something that sustains the ravages of time.” And therefore, trial number one had a pathetic miscarriage because of their Art Wars.

When Itachi was certain that Deidara was gone for his lab with Gari, he rang Sasori up.

“Sasori.” Itachi seethed, but his intonation came out as dull as ever.

“Is there anything that concerns me, Itachi? If not, stop wasting my time, and have a horrible afternoon.” Sasori replied.

The weasel could not hold back anymore, and he gritted between rows of teeth, “Of course there is! You screwed up our whole plan because of your stupid Art Wars!”

“No, the brat’s mistaken view on art screwed our plan. I was only correcting him on what consists true art. Non – artists like you lack the complexity to appreciate the meaning behind art. Goodbye.” Itachi was finally reminded of the reason behind why does virtually no – one, except Deidara, was willing to work with Sasori. That scorpion was an arse to everyone. And thus, the Akasuna – Uchiha alliance was simultaneously disbanded from both ends, with the printed coat – of – arms shoved back into Sasori’s personal mail box by a Pocky – munching Itachi.

As if this tiny setback could hinder Sasori’s pursuance of severing Deidara’s coffee addiction.

Saturday morning. A perfect time to relax for a short while, Deidara thought as he woke up far later than on usual school days, raising his right hand to rub his face. The action was met with an unexpected strong resistance, something that feels like a spring. He turned his head towards the direction where the tension was from, and discovered several elastic bands, tied in figure eight double knots, has tethered all his limbs to the window frame.

Panic overwhelmed him, and through some marvel of engineering, the blond saw Sasori – no – Danna sitting on Deidara’s personal chair with a smirk.

“Good morning, brat. Took you so long to wake up, and you know how much I hate waiting.” Sasori had such an innocent smile on his face, laid in front of both men was the sculptor’s secret stash of coffee, with the corresponding bean grinder.

“Danna?” Deidara croaked, still not fully awake, “What are you doing, un?” Deidara ignored the elephant in the room – how exactly did Sasori managed to enter his third – floor room through his window.

“I don’t know, brat,” Sasori hummed, cutting open three completely new packages of coffee beans, and chucked all of them entirely into the grinder, “what do you think I’m doing?” Finished with a dash of mayonnaise for good measure.

Then realisation crashed Deidara’s half – sleeping brain, the blond roared as a frantic response, “You… Sasori, you coffee killer!” He tried to spring up and stop the psychopathic puppeteer from ruining his precious coffee beans, but the restraints limited his movements. Sasori did not even flinch at Deidara’s noises of pain, he simply continued to hum his little tune that sounds like a bastardised version of “L’Ultimo Valzer” while mixing the contents in the pot according to the beats.

The redhead chuckled, “A squeak from you equals an additional bag of beans being mixed with mayonnaise. Understood? Just now I heard five words from you, so five bags it is.” Said the executioner, as he grabbed two additional bags of coffee beans, ready to be destroyed. Tears were streaming down Deidara’s face, repetitively choking back the melancholy of seeing his lifeline being used to play a cheerful madrigal then severed at an excruciating pace.

After hearing several minutes of the continuous whirring of machinery, and the wet splashes of mayonnaise coffee mash dumped into the trash bin, Sasori deemed it fit to check on Deidara’s supposed wellbeing. He leaned down on the incapacitated man, delicate pale features adding to the sheer creepiness, “Brat, you’re finally behaving yourself.” The elder of the two praised with a devious glint in his half – closed muddy eyes, “I’m doing you a favour of getting rid of those psychoactive substances for you, don’t you realise?”

Deidara merely whimpered. He was still obviously traumatised from the shock.

Sasori tapped his chin, decided that it would be a massive waste to throw all these perfectly fine coffee beans out, and claimed the rest of Deidara’s stash his own.

The man who was still tied to the window frames gained his daylights back, and seethed, “I’m going to blast you to hell, un!”

“At least I’m finally free from you when I’m in hell, brat.” Sasori purred.

Deidara angrily snapped, while trying to burn Sasori up with his deathly glare, iciness diminished due to the lack of eyeliner, “Then I’m going to blast you to hell and back.”

Sasori shrugged away Deidara’s threat, “You love me too much to do so.” The redhead pondered on whether should he free Deidara from his restraints or not, but decided against because of the possibility of the blond getting extremely violent if let go at this instant. Sasori then returned to his dormitory, leaving Deidara to struggle through.

An hour after Sasori has left, Deidara was starting to experience cold sweat breaking through his skin, with a dramatic increased heartrate. He then correctly pinpointed that this was a withdrawal symptom, and was even more determined to break through the rubber bands. The edges of the window frames were rather sharp, if applied enough shear, perhaps accompanied by the tension inside the bands, they could snap. Nevertheless, this process was time costly, and by the time he was finished, Deidara was uncertain about will his withdrawal catch up with him and maybe stop his heart from beating or something like that. And nobody will be there to deliver him to the emergency room because he was tied up solo in his third – floor dormitory.

This only motivated the chemistry student to work faster. Also the driving force to get back his stash of coffee that was robbed from him, the earlier the better. No – Sasori’s room, if he was leaving for longer periods, was locked up, not mentioning it was on the fourth floor. Sasori was a clean freak that showers three times per day, once in the morning, once after lunch, and once when finished dinner. If Deidara could manage to break the rubber bands when Sasori was off to lunch, he could sneak into his unlocked room when the puppeteer was taking his daily cleaning ritual in the public showers.

The ropes snapped after many gruelling minutes of repetitive labour. Deidara changed his clothes into something more suitable for outer presentation, and walked straight into Sasori’s dormitory building, never stopped by the porters because Deidara was a student at the college. The redhead’s room was on the fourth floor, he could observe the target’s movements by situating himself on a blind spot in the stairs leading from the fourth to the fifth floor.

Deidara did not even brush his hair because of the sheer urgency of the situation. In normal circumstances, he was one with an intense regard towards his golden mane.

Crouched down at the turning of the stairs was a man, long hair in a complete mess, dressed in an oversized T – shirt with an abstract statue printing. He was focusing on the door of a specific room, where after some minutes of lengthy waiting, a short redhead popped out with a basket of body wash and a towel.

Until Sasori finally stepped into the public bathroom, Deidara dashed down from the intersection between the fourth and fifth floors, and barged right into Sasori’s room with a bang. He was convinced that Sasori had not hear anything, because he was too busy with his personal hygiene.

Driven by the withdrawal – induced fit of craziness, the blond ransacked through Sasori’s belongings, until he had found his prized coffee. His treasure.

An “Ahem” snapped Deidara out of his trance, and the intruding Rapunzel turned his head around.

Standing at the door was exactly Sasori with that annoying little upturn on his lips. Deidara had no time to think about why was not Sasori showering, but pushed the engineering student out of the door frame, and locked him in the corridors. He could not even think straight at this point, only to sit himself down and brew a much-needed cup of coffee to calm his stressed nerves.

Until the mug of substance was gone, did Deidara finally open the door.

“Brat.” Sasori smirked, “I knew this would happen, so I pretended to take a shower.”

Deidara lacked the energy to even speak, or grunt an ‘un’. He was completely washed out.

The puppeteer strode into his room, and fumbled through his backpack to hand Deidara a debit card, attached on it was a post – it note with Sasori’s password printed in clear handwriting. He chuckled in amusement, “In engineering we study systems, and it’s very clear that your stable system was hugely disrupted because of the high influx of coffee and the resulting addiction.” Deidara looked at him in owlish resentment, and Sasori continued, “Even though the mechanism behind addiction is crucial for learning processes, you’ve over – abused the system.”

Deidara stared, “So, un, what’s your point, Danna?”

“Stupid brat. Why would I give you my debit card if not for you to buy enough coffee so that you’ll return to normal?”

“Has the sun rose from the west for the Sasori Akasuna to say such a thing, un?” Deidara raised one of his brows.

“The Sasori Akasuna is only governed by his brain, not astrology. So your point is mute, brat.”

“And Danna, why do you know the mechanism behind addiction, un?” The sculptor wondered.

Sasori was irritated at Deidara’s messy hair, and he opted to comb through it, “I often read stuffs on pharmacology.”

Deidara finally had a smirk on his face, “Well, Danna, I thought you look down on subjects that aren’t engineering, un. Why would you lower yourself to the levels of pharmacology?”

“Because I need a systematic process to find out the suitable poison to shut your loud mouth up, brat.”


End file.
